Dear Child.
I am your one true father. You will never see me in your lifetime, but I am always watching you. Always. Having such a great father will be a burden on your life. Your friends and family may ridicule you for having faith in me. They may tell you I am a 'deadbeat' or a 'bad example'. They are simply wicked people who reject my majesty and wish to turn you against me so you may suffer without me. Child, do not let them do this to you, for I am the most important person who will ever be in your life, and I am always there, even though you don't see me. Never forget that I brought you into existence, and you owe everything to me. If your friends tell you to turn away from me, turn away from them. If your mother tries to bring another father into your life, reject them both, for you shall have no other fathers before me.You are a failure. You haven't even taken your first breath as I write this, but I already know you are doomed to stumble and fall time and time again. No matter how hard you try, you will never be perfect like me, but you must try, because I demand perfection! You are such a failure that you deserve to die. But I am merciful and I love you, so I will sire another child, one far greater than you, and I will give it the death you so deserve. That is how merciful I am. Never forget what I have done for you.If you live in accordance with my wishes, building buildings to honor me, singing songs to praise me, granting me material offerings to sustain me and devoting your entire life to me, I shall grant you a great reward: When you die, I shall see to it you continue living and be given the great privilege of my company, forever.If you choose to reject my wishes and be tempted by others into turning from me, I shall also see that you continue living after you die and I shall light you on fire. over and over again. Forever.
Believe every word I say, because I love you.
Father
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The perfect Dad.
I don't have any children, but I have often wondered what kind of father I would be. How would I act as a parent to raise the best possible offspring? I decided I would take a cue from the greatest father figure of all time. So I studied his strategy and put together my own. I will father a child and leave before it's born. Absentee father, you say? A deadbeat? Oh no no, I'm going to leave a note!
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4 comments:
Ha! That brought a few chuckles to my morning.
Very clever!
The line that really brought a smile to my face was,
" I shall also see that you continue living after you die and I shall light you on fire. over and over again. Forever."
I love it. Thanks for sharing.
I wasn't laughing. Great perspective.
Ski Bike Junkie, my emission of laughter was not a slight on the good perspective of the post. The post most definitely had a somber tone. Yet absurdity is humorous (just read Candide). Some religious belief is just absurd and deserves a bit of laughter...
Really I was intending it to be much more lighthearted; pointing out the absurdities of the whole situation, but as I wrote it seemed to take a much more serious tone. As I aimed for parody, the horrid realization that millions of people a) believed this type of scenario actually takes place and b) believes it not worthy of mere admiration but outright worship started to set in and I began to get a bit angry. I was still chuckling about the lighting on fire, though.
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