The perfect Dad.

I don't have any children, but I have often wondered what kind of father I would be. How would I act as a parent to raise the best possible offspring? I decided I would take a cue from the greatest father figure of all time. So I studied his strategy and put together my own. I will father a child and leave before it's born. Absentee father, you say? A deadbeat? Oh no no, I'm going to leave a note!

Dear Child.

I am your one true father. You will never see me in your lifetime, but I am always watching you. Always. Having such a great father will be a burden on your life. Your friends and family may ridicule you for having faith in me. They may tell you I am a 'deadbeat' or a 'bad example'. They are simply wicked people who reject my majesty and wish to turn you against me so you may suffer without me. Child, do not let them do this to you, for I am the most important person who will ever be in your life, and I am always there, even though you don't see me. Never forget that I brought you into existence, and you owe everything to me. If your friends tell you to turn away from me, turn away from them. If your mother tries to bring another father into your life, reject them both, for you shall have no other fathers before me.

You are a failure. You haven't even taken your first breath as I write this, but I already know you are doomed to stumble and fall time and time again. No matter how hard you try, you will never be perfect like me, but you must try, because I demand perfection! You are such a failure that you deserve to die. But I am merciful and I love you, so I will sire another child, one far greater than you, and I will give it the death you so deserve. That is how merciful I am. Never forget what I have done for you.

If you live in accordance with my wishes, building buildings to honor me, singing songs to praise me, granting me material offerings to sustain me and devoting your entire life to me, I shall grant you a great reward: When you die, I shall see to it you continue living and be given the great privilege of my company, forever.

If you choose to reject my wishes and be tempted by others into turning from me, I shall also see that you continue living after you die and I shall light you on fire. over and over again. Forever.

Believe every word I say, because I love you.

Father

The missionaries

Note: I started writing this a while back.

I just got back from meeting with a missionary pair at their meeting house. I ran into one of them, who was temporarily with another companion, yesterday after eating lunch with my girlfriend at her workplace. I had fun bantering with them and I told them exactly what I believed (or didn't) and they were good sports. I agreed to meet them today to further the discussion. When I got to their building I was greeted by one of the men I met yesterday and another, let's say traditional Mormon (white American guy). This guy was a tougher nut. Either that or it's practice to allow you to have the conversation on your terms when you're on the street and free to walk away, then once you're pinned down in a room call new rules. He told me he can't speak about anything involving "proof" or "the scientific method" because they don't pertain to "spiritual truth".
I did learn a few things about how they operate, though.
First of all, this is not a conversation, this is a sales pitch. These boys are taught to establish a need - your need to be saved - and sell it to you. Not all at once, of course, that would be a very tough sell. I believe the analogy they are taught in training is "you don't give meat when milk will do." The implication is the listener is a spiritual baby and needs nourishment, but would choke on fully-formed doctrine. The reality is no right-thinking person would buy in if everything was on the table.
They also don't believe they are obligated to answer any questions regarding the institution they are representing. I told them outright I thought their church acted deceitfully and immorally in regard to California Proposition 8. They told me they weren't there to talk about "religion" or "church", just to talk about God and how he wants me to open my heart to Him. Never mind the name badges, I guess.
What frustrated me the most was the smug certainty of the believer. In any other situation, someone offering claims they admit cannot be proved with any evidence yet assert they are true beyond question would be laughed at. In religious matters it is thought to be virtuous, and appeals are made to "higher" standards of proof. These notions are not higher than anything, they are simply outside of reality and should carry no weight.