The perfect Dad.

I don't have any children, but I have often wondered what kind of father I would be. How would I act as a parent to raise the best possible offspring? I decided I would take a cue from the greatest father figure of all time. So I studied his strategy and put together my own. I will father a child and leave before it's born. Absentee father, you say? A deadbeat? Oh no no, I'm going to leave a note!

Dear Child.

I am your one true father. You will never see me in your lifetime, but I am always watching you. Always. Having such a great father will be a burden on your life. Your friends and family may ridicule you for having faith in me. They may tell you I am a 'deadbeat' or a 'bad example'. They are simply wicked people who reject my majesty and wish to turn you against me so you may suffer without me. Child, do not let them do this to you, for I am the most important person who will ever be in your life, and I am always there, even though you don't see me. Never forget that I brought you into existence, and you owe everything to me. If your friends tell you to turn away from me, turn away from them. If your mother tries to bring another father into your life, reject them both, for you shall have no other fathers before me.

You are a failure. You haven't even taken your first breath as I write this, but I already know you are doomed to stumble and fall time and time again. No matter how hard you try, you will never be perfect like me, but you must try, because I demand perfection! You are such a failure that you deserve to die. But I am merciful and I love you, so I will sire another child, one far greater than you, and I will give it the death you so deserve. That is how merciful I am. Never forget what I have done for you.

If you live in accordance with my wishes, building buildings to honor me, singing songs to praise me, granting me material offerings to sustain me and devoting your entire life to me, I shall grant you a great reward: When you die, I shall see to it you continue living and be given the great privilege of my company, forever.

If you choose to reject my wishes and be tempted by others into turning from me, I shall also see that you continue living after you die and I shall light you on fire. over and over again. Forever.

Believe every word I say, because I love you.

Father

The missionaries

Note: I started writing this a while back.

I just got back from meeting with a missionary pair at their meeting house. I ran into one of them, who was temporarily with another companion, yesterday after eating lunch with my girlfriend at her workplace. I had fun bantering with them and I told them exactly what I believed (or didn't) and they were good sports. I agreed to meet them today to further the discussion. When I got to their building I was greeted by one of the men I met yesterday and another, let's say traditional Mormon (white American guy). This guy was a tougher nut. Either that or it's practice to allow you to have the conversation on your terms when you're on the street and free to walk away, then once you're pinned down in a room call new rules. He told me he can't speak about anything involving "proof" or "the scientific method" because they don't pertain to "spiritual truth".
I did learn a few things about how they operate, though.
First of all, this is not a conversation, this is a sales pitch. These boys are taught to establish a need - your need to be saved - and sell it to you. Not all at once, of course, that would be a very tough sell. I believe the analogy they are taught in training is "you don't give meat when milk will do." The implication is the listener is a spiritual baby and needs nourishment, but would choke on fully-formed doctrine. The reality is no right-thinking person would buy in if everything was on the table.
They also don't believe they are obligated to answer any questions regarding the institution they are representing. I told them outright I thought their church acted deceitfully and immorally in regard to California Proposition 8. They told me they weren't there to talk about "religion" or "church", just to talk about God and how he wants me to open my heart to Him. Never mind the name badges, I guess.
What frustrated me the most was the smug certainty of the believer. In any other situation, someone offering claims they admit cannot be proved with any evidence yet assert they are true beyond question would be laughed at. In religious matters it is thought to be virtuous, and appeals are made to "higher" standards of proof. These notions are not higher than anything, they are simply outside of reality and should carry no weight.

Why Reed Cowan is wrong.

Earlier this week we went to a screening of 8: The Mormon Proposition at the Sundance Film festival in Park City. Overall I thought the film was well-done and it renewed my anger about this massive injustice and the pivotal role the LDS church had in bringing it about, which is what it was supposed to do.
At the screening, filmmaker Reed Cowan called for the resignation of famed bigot and Utah State Senator Chris Buttars, calling him a liar. Buttars, who was seen making a grand ass of himself in the film, claims he was decieved by Cowan and his crew wearing BYU t shirts and talking about serving LDS missions, which made him feel "pretty comfortable talking to them." Cowan shot back that he was wearing no such thing and released pictures to prove it - although he soon admitted his photographer (a BYU grad) was wearing a BYU jacket (I'm assuming the same one he had on that night).
I'm not one to jump to the defense of Chris Buttars. I think he's a standard bearer for religious bigotry and should step down, but I think in this case his rotten brain is just confused. I do not believe that Cowan and his crew were dishonest or deceptive in their interview. I also do not believe they went out of their way to disclose their intentions for the film. Several, including Cowan, are LDS or former LDS, and co-director Steven Greenstreet spoke honestly and positively about his experience as a missionary to the audience, so it's no stretch to think he would answer honestly and positively if asked about it. By standing on neutral ground, they allowed Sen. Buttars to believe what he wanted to believe about them - that they were good Mormon boys and he could candidly talk to them about how the gays are "probably the greatest threat to America".
By calling for Buttars' resignation on account of his lie, Cowan has shifted focus to a battle of who-said-what-and-what-were-they-wearing, rather than where it should be: Chris Buttars thinks it's okay to be a bigot if he's surrounded by fellow churchmembers.
I'm fully on Reed Cowan's side on this issue, but I think a more cool-handed approach to the hot-headed Buttars would serve him better.

How many are there?

The 2010 Sundance Film Festival has begun here in Utah, along with all the craziness it produces. One of the most talked-about films is 8: The Mormon Proposition, a documentary about the LDS church's involvement in the passing of Proposition 8 in California. I'm going to see it tomorrow in Park City, so I'll be able to comment on it soon.
I work in the same building as the Sundance Main Box Office. On Friday morning someone dropped off a flier at our business condemning the makers of this film for "promoting hate" against the LDS church and Utah Sen. Chris Buttars, who has been an outspoken critic of gay rights. It was a fallacy-ridden screed lamenting the "homosexual agenda" and their desire to turn our nation against God. At the bottom of the page was a invitation to watch the Obama Killer Song at the organization's website. I couldn't resist, so I looked it up after I got home. It's a mangling of Simon and Garfunkle's The Sound of Silence. To give you a taste of the level it's operating on, it refers to President Obama as "darkness" and a "donkey god", while portraying him stabbing a pregnant woman's belly as she sleeps with a Bible on her chest and taking aim at political enemies with an assault rifle.
Of course I rolled my eyes at its absurd hyperbole. But then I started to wonder: how many people that I encounter don't? This little think tank is located just down the road in Sandy, UT. I am somewhat buffered from the rest of this state's stridently-red politics by living in the relatively tolerant Salt Lake City, but how far do I have to ride the train before things like the Obama Killer Song pass for valid commentary? I would like to think trash like this would be laughed at anywhere, but this is Glenn Beck country.

I have a special place of contempt in my heart for this kind of stuff.

As I'm sure you know, a massive earthquake struck near Port au Prince Haiti yesterday, killing thousands. Whenever something like this happens, an outpouring of sympathy and aid comes forth to help the victims. This is a wonderful thing. Modern technology makes helping even easier. I was able to make a small donation by sending a text message to Wyclef Jean's foundation. I understand the American Red Cross has enabled the same type of donation channel.
Amid this spirit of helping, something uglier comes to the surface. Those who claim to be crusaders for morality open up their mouths and give you a glimpse of what goes on in their rotten brains.
Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson's exchange after 9/11 lives in infamy. Falwell doesn't live in any sense anymore, but his stalwart partner spoke up with enough asininity for both of them, suggesting that the Haitian people had it coming because of their 1804 deal with the Devil. "True story," Robertson insists. These hateful old men and their head-bobbing followers just can't resist. Extending the hand of charity in the time of crisis, yet pulling it back for  just long enough to whisper "you deserved this" before handing it over and applauding their own Christian love.
I would say I hope Robertson lives to regret his foolish words, but he's amassed quite a collection of them over the years and shows no sign of letting up. His website has issued a press release, stating that "Dr. Robertson never stated that the earthquake was God’s wrath." Not in so many words. He said the island was "cursed", which would indicate its misfortune arrived either through God's wrath, or the Devil's evil, while God sits by idly, presumably because he's still angry at those poor people's great grandparents.

Garrison Keillor's war on Xmas

I once came to the defense of Garrison Keillor when a friend said he "loved Jesus" too much for her to enjoy his work. "He's not so bad," I said. Well, maybe the stroke did some damage to his brain, or maybe she was right all along.
I saw the evidence of this when P.Z. Myers blogged about this screed Keillor published in the Chicago Trib, in which the voice of Lake Wobegon accuses "Jewish guys" of "trash[ing] up the malls" with their Christmas music that's not about Baby Jesus ("Rudolph and the chestnuts and the rest of that dreck").
He then informs us that

Christmas is a Christian holiday -- if you're not in the club, then buzz off.

No, Garrison, I'm afraid it's not. If it were, the churches wouldn't have to go to such trouble every year to remind us that "Jesus is the reason for the Season". It's a cannibalized set of traditions that have been further consumed by the culture at large. It's a time to be with family, to enjoy rest, to give gifts, eat, drink and have a good time. So I'm not going to buzz off. I'm going to enjoy Christmas like everyone else. And I hope you do too. Merry Christmas and Io Saturnalia.

What else is interesting is when I went looking for this piece I found this version, which seems to have been chopped down a bit regarding those Jewish fellows and the buzzing off and what not. It seems the Trib might be responding to the backlash from this column. To this I say: you can't unring a bell.

A small victory?

If everything goes as expected, a gay marriage bill will pass in Washington, D.C. tomorrow. The mayor has already promised to sign it and things are looking good. Of course this  will not fly with the National Organization for Marriage or the Catholic Church among others, and they have vowed to fight tooth and nail. Susan Gibbs, speaking for the Archdiocese of Washington, said this:

Being gay is not against church teaching, but we do understand marriage in a specific way, and we need to be able to follow that belief.

Well Susan, I don't understand how one can think an image of a bloody corpse nailed to a piece of wood makes for good interior decorating, but you don't see me petitioning Congress to ban it. It's your right.
What really gets me is the doublespeak. Just come out and say it. You think homosexuals are evil. All this talk of 'it's not a sin to be gay, just if you act on it' does not make you tolerant. It's like a high school kid who thinks it's Ok to tell a joke about lynching a black person if he prefaces it with "I'm not racist or anything..."
Besides, it can cut both ways. With the increasing number of equality laws, like the one recently backed by the LDS Church here in Salt Lake, more and more it's not illegal to be a bigot, but it is illegal if you act on it.